My Journey Through Therapy

The process of going through therapy can be the toughest thing any person that has gone through abuse can face. It can be tougher that the actual abuse. In therapy you are have to relive the abuse in details, and talk through your feeling about what happened.  The initial phase of therapy involves taking history. In the initial phase, you are asked about how old you were when the abuse occurred? Where were you at the time of the abuse? Do you know your abusers? How many abusers? Did you report the abuse? How frequent was the abuse? These questions among others can be very overwhelming for anyone. Your mind starts going down deep dark alley that was covered with concrete that you never wanted to revisit.

The beginning process is so overwhelming I cannot stop crying but I do not know what is making me cry. I do not know how to face my fears but I know that I have to face it in other for me to move on and help others. Of all the things I have done in my life, therapy is one of the hardest things I have to face. I thought all I had to do was start living as a survivor and take back my power, and start helping other. Boy was I wrong; I realized that I cannot even talk about my abuse without crying. I feel like my heart is always in a state of brokenness.

Sometimes people say some memories are better left in the past, but we fail to realize the things that we do not deal with, will come back and haunt us as we try to live our lives. It affects our relationships in ways that we do not see, and we wonder why we have issues in the way we deal with people. As I look deeply into my life, and the decisions I have made I can see how my past has tied into the path I took and how it has affected my relationships.Through this process I want to redefine myself and rebuild my relationship and hopefully build new ones.

Ten Ways to Help Prevent Child Abuse

Be a nurturing parent.
Children need to know that they are special, loved and capable of following their dreams.

Help a friend, neighbor or relative.
Being a parent isn’t easy. Offer a helping hand take care of the children, so the
parent(s) can rest or spend time together.

Help yourself.
When the big and little problems of your everyday life pile up to the point you feel
overwhelmed and out of control – take time out. Don’t take it out on your kid.

If your baby cries…
It can be frustrating to hear your baby cry. Learn what to do if your baby won’t stop
crying. Never shake a baby – shaking a child may result in severe injury or death.

Get involved.
Ask your community leaders, clergy, library and schools to develop services to meet the
needs of healthy children and families.

Help to develop parenting resources at your local library.
Promote programs in school.
Teaching children, parents and teachers prevention strategies can help to keep children
safe.

Monitor your child’s television and video viewing.
Watching violent films and TV programs can harm young children.

Volunteer at a local child abuse prevention program.
Report suspected abuse or neglect.
If you have reason to believe a child has been or may be harmed, call your local
department of children and family services or you local police department

What are the effects of child sexual abuse?

NOTE: I had many of these effects of child sexual abuse some I still struggle with, but with help and understanding I am learning to overcome. For me the first steps towards my recovery was to recognize how being sexually abuse affected my life.

What are the consequences of sexual abuse? What are the effects of child abuse? What are the symptoms of child molestation?

Note that other traumatic events can cause the same symptoms as sexual molestation. Thus, occurrence of the symptoms listed below is not proof of sexual molestation.
Depending on the seriousness, the duration and the sort of abuse, some of those who were abused in their childhood, or recently retain certain problems due to this trauma. These can be divided into psychological, social, sexual and physical problems.
Psychological problems:
Fears, panic attacks, sleeping problems, nightmares, irritability, outbursts of anger and sudden shock reactions when being touched.
Little confidence, and self-respect and respect for one's own body may change.
Behavior that harms the body: addiction to alcohol and other substances, excessive work or sports, depression, self-destruction and prostitution.

Social problems:
Have little confidence in other people.
Fear of loss of control in relationships.

Sexual problem:
While making love problems often occur. The partner may be confused by a certain remark, touch or behavior that brings back memories of the abuse.
Patients sometimes don't want to make love at all anymore or make love less.
Sexual relation problems may occur, together whit pain while making love, not wanting to make love and problems in getting aroused. Problems with the orgasm and coming also occur.

Physical complaints:
Abdominal pain, pain while making love, menstrual pain, intestinal complaints, stomach ache, nausea, headache, back pain, painful shoulders, in short all kinds of chronic pain may occur. The pain is often inexplicable.

Eating disorders often occur in sexually abused people.
When the patients, in reaction to a harmful event, disordered for more than a month in such a way that they can't go to school, can't work, isolate themselves or experience other negative consequences, one can talk about a post-traumatic stress syndrome. This disorder originates in reaction to a very harmful event and has three characteristic symptoms:
1.Denial and repression
2.alternating with re-experiencing,
3.and they are always over irritated.
Denial and repression; they deny or repress the harmful event(s): they don't want to talk about or avoid certain situations. At an older age, memory of sexual abuse is often completely suppressed, but can sometimes be recovered in psychotherapy.

It is, however, difficult to determine if such recovered memories are memories of real experiences of memories of dreams or imagined events. This difficulty can be a problem if you want to prosecute the abuser, but it is not a problem for treatment using modern psycho-therapeutic methods.

Re-experiencing; they experience the event(s) again; unintentionally they are confronted with memories of the abuse, for example through nightmares, sudden memories or unexplainable physical problems.
Over irritation; they are easily affected, hot-tempered, jumpy, excessively alert and don't fall asleep easily.



Peace world and more grease to your elbows!!
Live, Learn ,Love!!!

What is "Child Sexual Abuse"

Child Sexual Abuse includes any sexual behavior or activity that is abusive toward another, a minor, and/or prohibited by state or federal law. Fondling, oral sex, simulated or actual intercourse, exhibitionism, taking sexually explicit pictures of children, showing sexually explicit material to children or having sex in front of a child are all considered child sexual abuse.

Most child molesters are able to molest dozens of children before they are caught. Boys and girls are at nearly equal risk to be abused and almost a quarter will be molested sometime before their 18th birthday. Most children do not tell anyone, and those who do often have to tell multiple people before someone calls the police or child welfare services. The overwhelming majority of child sexual abuse victims are abused by someone they know and trust, someone most parents would never suspect. Females are estimated to account for less than 20% of child molesters.

1.There are different several types or names for sex offenders.
Intra-family or incest offenders - These offenders sexually abuse their own children but can also abuse other relatives and neighbors and most have multiple victims. Most incest offenders appear normal and lead average lives. They may continue intimate relationships with wives and girlfriends while molesting children. If discovered or accused by their victims they are often able to talk family and friends out of reporting them. In some cases treatment may be effective.

2.Pedophiles - Are adults who are sexually attracted to and desire children. Often they may work or volunteer with children in positions such as coaches, teachers, Boy Scout leaders, ministers/priests, school bus drivers, day care providers. Some pedophiles believe they are showing love for the child and do not understand or care that their actions are harmful. They are likely to be single or live with their parents or have a dysfunctional marriage. Most molest many children before they are caught. Treatment is rarely effective.

3.Sexually violent offenders - These offenders kidnap, sometimes physically abuse, rape, and even murder some children. This group is the smallest but most dangerous and publicized group of child molesters. Many engage in other criminal behavior including adult rapes, and are often chronic drug users. Treatment is rarely effective.
Sexual exploiters includes exhibitionists who expose to children, computer surfers who solicit children over the Internet and child pornographers. Men in their 20's and older who form sexual relationships with young teenage girls, sometimes as young as 12 or 13, can be considered sexual exploiters.

Most child molesters are in a position of trust and are often able to undermine the child's ability to accurately perceive the behavior as abusive. Most molesters are also able to convince other adults that it never happened or that the child misunderstood.

Molesters abuse children they are sexually and emotionally attracted to, children they feel are vulnerable and needy, and children they feel that they can control and manipulate into keeping the abuse a secret.

Child molesters may lead up to the abuse by forming a friendship or paying special attention to the child, taking them places, buying them gifts or giving them extra support and encouragement. They may offer to "help out" with babysitting or transportation. They may exploit children who are neglected or verbally abused by their parents by positioning themselves as the one who is "nice" while the parents are "mean". If the child's relationship with the parents is basically sound, the offender may try to start conflicts within the family in order to alienate the child from the family.

Molesters also test and desensitize children by telling dirty jokes, talking about sexual things and engaging in non-sexual physical contact like back-rubs, wrestling, hugging and horseplay. This behavior generally starts long before the sexual touching starts and serves to normalize contact and trust. The increased physical relationship and intimate talk between the child and offender makes it easier for the offender to introduce sexual behavior into the relationship. If the child's parent has been present when some of the close physical contact or joking has occurred, it also makes the child think it must be ok.

Some offenders are so good at developing dependent relationships that their victims feel obligated and may even feel protective of the offender, especially when the offender is a parent, relative, admired family friend, teacher, coach or priest.

Many molesters work just as hard to seduce and manipulate adults as they do children. They may work very hard to present themselves as a moral and upright person. They think about and plan lies and excuses to talk people out of reporting them to law enforcement if caught or suspected.

I decided to wait!

Loneliness and the need for companionship sometimes can lead us to get into and or maintain relationships that are not good for us. The idea of having someone next to us sometimes leads us to compromise and settle for companionship that neither elevate nor strengthen our lives. I found a spoken word piece that sums up everything I have gone through when it comes to companionship and what God wants for me. This poem helps me deal with the fact that I do not have to settle for anything less than what I deserve. This past week was an emotional tough week but through prayers, family and this poem I gained a new insight and focus on what I want in a companion. I gained strength to continue with my purpose while I wait for the right companionship in my life!
So this week I will just let this poem bless you as it has help me. Be Bless and stay strong. Remember that the lord will bless those who diligently seek him!
I hope this poem blesses you has it has blessed me!! pass it on!!

Peace world and more grease to your elbows.

"I will wait for you" by Official P4CM Poet JANETTE...IKZ

What I didn’t know?

Abuse in any form is an abomination! The deeper question that I have been asking myself is why do we not speak up? What is created inside us that renders us incapable of speaking up? Why do some people speak up and other suffer in silence?

Let me speak for myself, when I first experienced sexual abuse I did not know what was going on. I was 6 for crying out loud! I felt dirty and ashamed. I was never taught that I should tell someone if my body is touched in any way that makes me feel uncomfortable. In an irony twist as a counselor I educated families the importance of being aware of who is around your kids and taught youth as young as 5 years old what to do if someone tries to touch your body. I wondered what would have happened to me if I was taught this exercise. Honestly, I did not know what happened to me was dead wrong until I came to America. I just lived with it like was just part of my life.

Child abuse here in America was all over the news and teachers and parents alike had a dialogue about abuse. Even though it still happens but the awareness is far greater in the states than in Nigeria.
It is very important to create an open dialogue with the kids around you so that they will know that their body is a temple and should not be violate in any way. These lessons are the beginning of building self worth in our kids. If you are not open to talk to your kids about abuse when will you be open to discuss these things? Let us not wait until it is too late then start playing the blame game.


If you so happen to find yourself in a situation that abuse has occurred take whatever steps are necessary to rebuild your child even though the damage will be done but try and salvage the situation. Never sweep abuse under the rug!! If your child comes to you and says that he or she was touched do whatever you have to help that child work through it!!!
Peace world and more grease to your elbows.

Is the pain enough?!!

My cousin told me a story about a dog that was sitting on a nail and was wailing, people gathered around the dog wondering why this dog was just sitting there hurting. Everyone could see that the dog needed to just GET UP! Instead of sitting on the nail and crying; then someone said well the dog is not hurting enough when the dog gets tired of the pain he will get up from the nail and move on.
That story resonated with me so much that I had to evaluate myself to realize that I was surrounded by negativity even though I was tired of hurting and feeling pain. The pain was not great enough for me to stand up from it and begin my healing process and move on with my life.

Many times we go through a revolving door of abuse, negativity and drama all the while complaining about how bad we want to leave the bad situations in our lives. We surround ourselves with people that want to help us but we never fully leave the bad alone. We will never get away from the bad until we have had enough. Many times we wonder why people stay in bad situation. My answer is when they have had enough they will get up and move on!

Peace world and more grease to your elbows!

ERADICATE DREAM KILLERS!!!!

Who is a dream killer?
A dream killer is someone that does not believe in your dreams. A dream killer is someone that always criticizes your thoughts, dreams, and does not support you unconditionally. Some dream killer are easy to spot but you have to be in tuned with who you are and have a clear vision of where you are going to be able to spot them. Dream killers are like snakes in the grass if you are not careful you might step on them and be poisoned by their deadly venom. I have had several dream killers in the past, I say in the past, because I no longer subscribe to the dream killers channel. I eradicate them with the quickness of a gun slinger like those slingers in the old western movies.
Dream killers manifest in so many forms. Some dream killers are very open with their approach. I was told by someone that I was never going to amount to anything and I almost secretly believed it. Dreams killers can also manifest in relationships, have you ever being so excited about an idea and you told your partner about it only to have them say something like, “ are you sure you want to do that?” or how are you going to pull that off?, without even hearing you out all the way. These types of dream killers create doubt in your head before you can even develop your dreams.
I know that everyone will not support me or help me develop my dreams. My visions and dreams are mine only. God gave them to me, and it manifested in my dreams and visions so therefore I own them. You can come along with me on this journey only if you are not a dream killer. Let me make my mistakes, just be there to support me, and offer constructive criticism when necessary. Let us eradicate dream killers from our lives. Cut the tall grass so you can easily spot the dream killers. Surround yourself with dream catcher and dream nurturers.
Peace world and more grease to your elbows!!

Finally letting go!!!

I have had enough!!!I am letting go of all my baggage. I am tired of carrying this load of my past. I will no longer let my past weigh me down. I am releasing all the pain, all the hurt, all the negativity, all the sorrows, any and everything that does not uplift my soul, into the sea of forgetfulness never to be seen or heard from again. I take responsibility for everything I have done consciously and unconsciously. I will no longer accept anything less than what I deserve. My heart has no room for negativity. I will no longer lower my standards to feel accepted. I am no longer afraid of being alone. I have to accept who God made me to be, and walk into my calling with my head held high. I will wait on the lord for he will renew my strength. I AM STRONGER AS LONG AS I HAVE GOD BY MY SIDE!!

Peace world and more grease to your elbows!!

Next steps!!

April was Child Abuse Prevention Month. This is when I took a small step towards realizing my purpose. It was a struggle at first because I did not have any resources but I knew I had to do something. I went to several agencies, that will remain nameless, to ask for materials, and I was given the side eye like who are you? Who do you work for? I had to keep explaining myself. I do not work for anyone; I am just a concerned citizen wanting to make a difference. After visiting several agencies, I finally found someone who gave me all the materials I needed both in Spanish and English.

 I must admit at this point I was getting very nervous that I almost wanted to back out. I was able to set up a table and pass out information, and talked to anyone who would listen about child abuse prevention .I am glad I did not back out I felt empowered to move forward. I felt I had found my purpose in life and nothing and no one can stand in my way. 

Now that I have overcome my fear of talking to people about a topic that is considered a taboo, it is now time for me to move to the next step. I am currently working on building a grassroots organization to combat child sexual abuse in every aspect from providing education on how to recognize the signs of abuse and how to prevent child abuse.

I will be traveling to Nigeria soon to start forming relationships with the communities and the agencies representing the interest of the youth. I will be traveling with supplies and necessities for the selected community and school. Right now, I am stock piling donated clothing and school supplies, so by the time I am ready to go home I would have collected a substantial amount of donated items. We would like to support a struggling school by donating supplies needed such as; grade appropriate reading books, paper, pencils, markers, rulers, etc.

I plan to have a community day invite the entire community out to let them know that we care and we are here to help in any way we can.

If you would like to get involved either by donating your time or supplies, please do not hesitate to contact me via email at didi.udofiah@facebook.com, or mystory4healing@yahoo.com.

Peace world and more grease to your elbows!

I AM BACK!

Hello world!! I know that is has been a long time since I wrote on my blog. Well since I came out with my story I have been going through emotional cleansing. I have been through some ups and downs. My emotions have been drain and tested. I thank my mother for her continued support. Mom I can always count on you! I now understand you better. Sorry for all I put you through as a teenager. I want to thank everyone who reached out to support me on this journey. I most importantly want to thank my cousin Eno Georgette Inwek for igniting the fire in me I will never forget the day you called me out!!Lol. Since the last time I wrote I put myself in an unhealthy situation that fought to kill the light that was inside me. One of the biggest lessons I learned this past month is to avoid negativity at all cost!! I learned to surround myself with people who are positive and that are not afraid to call me out on my B.S but at the same time help me see alternative to my destructive behaviors. I learned that claiming self worth and self esteem is an everyday journey. I have to consciously tell myself everyday that I am WORTH IT!! I learned that without GOD I AM NOTHING AND I AM CAPABLE OF DOING NOTHING WITHOUT HIM! I LEARNED THAT WHEN I TURNED MYSELF COMPLETELY TO GOD THAT HE INSTANTLY OPEN DOORS FOR ME! I LEARNED THAT MY DESTINY IS ONLY IN GOD’S HAND AND I MUST SUBMIT TO HIS WILL IN MY LIFE!! THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I LEARNED THIS PAST FEW MONTHS IS THAT IN OTHER FOR ME TO WALK INTO MY CALLING I MUST GO THROUGH AN INTENSE EMOTIONAL, PHYSICAL,  AND SPIRITUAL CLEANSING!!IT IS NOT EASY BUT I MUST STRIVE EVERY DAY TO LIVE LIFE EVERYDAY AS IT WAS MY LAST!

Peace world and more grease to your elbows!

Deepest darkest secrets Part 2

I was still around 6 or 7 when I experienced more sexual assault. I remember vividly going somewhere with a maid that my family had employed to help take care of us. I remember the room was full of men and the lights were dim if my memory serves me right it was red lights. When I think back with my adult eyes I believe she took me to a whore house or something of that nature. I remember being surrounded by a bunch of men then the next thing I remember was walking home crying and in pain between my legs. I must have block out the memories of what actually happen and I do not want to remember details because I think it will devastate me.  All I know is that something terrible happened to me at that place and it was not just one person. To this day I still believe I was gang raped. I remember not been able to walk because my vagina was on fire so to speak.

Around the same time there were some young boys that also lived in the neighbor and so happen to always be around my house.  I do not think these boys were that much older than me but I remember fighting them off every time they tried to corner me.  I remember that I was always running a lot so maybe that was why I was so good in track and field.lol. I remember one day walking home from evening lessons. I decided to cut through the bushes because it was getting late and if I got home when it was dark my dad was going to have a fit. As I was walking through the bushes I heard a group of boys trying to hail me. I knew what was about to happen but the worst part of it which I can never understand is that I wanted to go to the boys even though I knew what they wanted. Instead I panicked and started running at this point the boys began to chase me but luckily for me I ended up on the main road again and they left me alone. Needless to say when I got home I still got a whooping from my dad!!!

Later on when we moved to a different state my sexual abuse seem to resurface. I often asked myself if I had some sort of print on me that stated that I wanted to be molested. I was very confused growing up because as long as I can remember older men have always tried to fondle me in one way or the other. That was part of my life story growing up in Nigeria I could not seem to escape the stares and hands of a man groping me even my teachers in school. It got to a point that I resented my body which was really nothing because I was sticks and bones. I did not even have breast anything that can entice a grown man to fondle a little girl. At one point I was even molested by a female neighbor that one took me by surprise. I must have been about 9yrs old then. She was maybe 18 or 19yrs old at the time. The first time I was taking a shower and somehow she ended up in the bathroom with me. By 9yrs old I knew all this was wrong but for me it was too late. I had urges and felt the need to satisfy my urges. I let this girl do whatever she wanted to me. I always felt bad, dirty and knew it was wrong but I felt powerless to stop it. I felt like it was part of who I am. I did not know any better and nobody showed me any different. I suffered severe psychological trauma because of my abuse and for years I always felt like it was my fault. I even became confused about my sexuality wondering if I was gay and if God had created me that way.  I hated men and had a very unhealthy distrust for anyone! To this day I still struggle with many issues and sometimes I wonder why I had to go through all these things. Surely with prayer and learning to appreciate what God has brought me from. I am finding strength in telling my story and looking ahead to bringing a voice to such a delicate issue.

If you have a story of abuse to tell please email me @ mystory4healing@yahoo.com. Also if you have comments post on the blog it can help someone out there!! I will not use your name it will be nameless unless indicated. I feel like when you reach out to other you never know how your story can help someone else start on their path of recovery and regaining their self worth.

MY DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS!!!! PART 1!!!

Dear world, I am writing to you this post to set my demons free, to capture back myself worth and to walk into the calling God has given me. As I begin to type my heart is beating so fast because I am about to reveal to the world something that only a select few in my family knows. I do not know where this journey is going to take me but one thing I do know is that God has called me to help others through my life. I feel like I am beating around the bush so let me just get to it!

I must have been about 6 or 7 years when my sexual abuse began in Nigeria. I still have vivid memories even though I do not remember exact faces but I can still see the action that were taken against me. My earliest memories were of a neighbor who must have been in his 20s. I remember him taking me into his house; this usually happened when I was home alone, he would lie on the floor with his pants down and he would take my underwear off and force me to sit on top of him. (Here I do not need to be graphic use your imagination)I remember fighting him to run before he could even take my clothes off but he was bigger and of course way stronger than me that I would give up. I learn to take myself to a faraway place that only my body was in the building but my mind, spirit and soul were lost somewhere in outer space. I remember this went on for a long time until we moved from the neighborhood but the damage was already done. It became a routine and as a child I did not understand what was going on. No one ever told me about men, sex or sexual feelings but I was experiencing all this before I even hit puberty. As I type this story I am realizing how my sexual abuse has affected and hindered my life for so long into my adulthood.  I have to stop here because I am overwhelmed with emotions right now. Will continue with part 2 soon!

This is only the beginning of my story more to come. If you have a story of abuse to tell please email me @ mystory4healing@yahoo.com. Also if you have comments post on the blog it can help someone out there!! I will not use your name it will be nameless unless indicated. I feel like when you reach out to other you never know how your story can help someone else start on their path of recovery and regaining their self worth.

CHECK BACK SOON!!

 Do not forget to email me @ mystory4healing@yahoo.com

MY STORY!!

I started blogging because I wanted to share with the world my story in hopes of helping others who have been through similar situations that I have experienced.  Initially I was scared to open up because I was afraid of how I might be perceived, but last night as I was sitting on my balcony the still voice inside me told me it was time to open up and share my core story. The story that has defined my destiny until this point but I will set it free because I no longer what this story to hold me captive any longer! It is time for me to face my fears head on and stop hiding and dodging them. I know that the things that have happened to me in the past set a course that I am suppose to follow but somewhere along the line I was wallowing in self pity. I no longer care to feel sorry for myself but I need to find strength within me so that I can reach out and help other that maybe suffering like I did. I want to be the voice for the cause that chose me because I definitely did not choose it!!! By now you might be wondering what I am talking about so check the next post for my story!

I am getting off this ride!!!

Two weeks ago I started my “Dance Myself to a Better Body” I have to say that everything was going well until I became sick for a whole week!! Not only was I physically sick but my emotions were going through turmoil! The last time I was that sick was when I had malaria I had just came back from Nigeria after my grandfather’s burial! RIP. Ironically I think I drop some inches due to the fact that I was unable to eat much. I am feeling much better now so I will resume my challenge. I think am going to get bored with it soon but I will try and hang in there as long as I can. I am already thinking of what my next challenge will be….. Maybe I will find a tennis partner that would be fun. I can feel spring in the air!!

     

This past two weeks has been a really rough emotional roller coaster for me. I cried a lot and it was not PMS. I feel spent emotionally and I have come to the point where I can no longer put my feeling and emotions out for people to trample on it. I place too much value in the friendships I have and I try to take people at face value. Sometimes I make the mistake of thinking that others invest in me emotionally as I invest my emotions in them. It only leaves me empty when my feelings and emotions are disregarded.  I have come to terms with the fact that relationships cannot be EQUAL one party will always have more invested then the other person. Be it financially, emotionally and even physically. I might not do things exactly the way that others in my circle would like me to do but at least I know that they can accept me for who I am. Do not try and negate my feelings and dictate for me how I should feel and respond to situations. The test of friendship is to understand the true characteristics of your friends and accept them for who they are!!