Deepest darkest secrets Part 2

I was still around 6 or 7 when I experienced more sexual assault. I remember vividly going somewhere with a maid that my family had employed to help take care of us. I remember the room was full of men and the lights were dim if my memory serves me right it was red lights. When I think back with my adult eyes I believe she took me to a whore house or something of that nature. I remember being surrounded by a bunch of men then the next thing I remember was walking home crying and in pain between my legs. I must have block out the memories of what actually happen and I do not want to remember details because I think it will devastate me.  All I know is that something terrible happened to me at that place and it was not just one person. To this day I still believe I was gang raped. I remember not been able to walk because my vagina was on fire so to speak.

Around the same time there were some young boys that also lived in the neighbor and so happen to always be around my house.  I do not think these boys were that much older than me but I remember fighting them off every time they tried to corner me.  I remember that I was always running a lot so maybe that was why I was so good in track and field.lol. I remember one day walking home from evening lessons. I decided to cut through the bushes because it was getting late and if I got home when it was dark my dad was going to have a fit. As I was walking through the bushes I heard a group of boys trying to hail me. I knew what was about to happen but the worst part of it which I can never understand is that I wanted to go to the boys even though I knew what they wanted. Instead I panicked and started running at this point the boys began to chase me but luckily for me I ended up on the main road again and they left me alone. Needless to say when I got home I still got a whooping from my dad!!!

Later on when we moved to a different state my sexual abuse seem to resurface. I often asked myself if I had some sort of print on me that stated that I wanted to be molested. I was very confused growing up because as long as I can remember older men have always tried to fondle me in one way or the other. That was part of my life story growing up in Nigeria I could not seem to escape the stares and hands of a man groping me even my teachers in school. It got to a point that I resented my body which was really nothing because I was sticks and bones. I did not even have breast anything that can entice a grown man to fondle a little girl. At one point I was even molested by a female neighbor that one took me by surprise. I must have been about 9yrs old then. She was maybe 18 or 19yrs old at the time. The first time I was taking a shower and somehow she ended up in the bathroom with me. By 9yrs old I knew all this was wrong but for me it was too late. I had urges and felt the need to satisfy my urges. I let this girl do whatever she wanted to me. I always felt bad, dirty and knew it was wrong but I felt powerless to stop it. I felt like it was part of who I am. I did not know any better and nobody showed me any different. I suffered severe psychological trauma because of my abuse and for years I always felt like it was my fault. I even became confused about my sexuality wondering if I was gay and if God had created me that way.  I hated men and had a very unhealthy distrust for anyone! To this day I still struggle with many issues and sometimes I wonder why I had to go through all these things. Surely with prayer and learning to appreciate what God has brought me from. I am finding strength in telling my story and looking ahead to bringing a voice to such a delicate issue.

If you have a story of abuse to tell please email me @ mystory4healing@yahoo.com. Also if you have comments post on the blog it can help someone out there!! I will not use your name it will be nameless unless indicated. I feel like when you reach out to other you never know how your story can help someone else start on their path of recovery and regaining their self worth.