Deepest darkest secrets Part 2

I was still around 6 or 7 when I experienced more sexual assault. I remember vividly going somewhere with a maid that my family had employed to help take care of us. I remember the room was full of men and the lights were dim if my memory serves me right it was red lights. When I think back with my adult eyes I believe she took me to a whore house or something of that nature. I remember being surrounded by a bunch of men then the next thing I remember was walking home crying and in pain between my legs. I must have block out the memories of what actually happen and I do not want to remember details because I think it will devastate me.  All I know is that something terrible happened to me at that place and it was not just one person. To this day I still believe I was gang raped. I remember not been able to walk because my vagina was on fire so to speak.

Around the same time there were some young boys that also lived in the neighbor and so happen to always be around my house.  I do not think these boys were that much older than me but I remember fighting them off every time they tried to corner me.  I remember that I was always running a lot so maybe that was why I was so good in track and field.lol. I remember one day walking home from evening lessons. I decided to cut through the bushes because it was getting late and if I got home when it was dark my dad was going to have a fit. As I was walking through the bushes I heard a group of boys trying to hail me. I knew what was about to happen but the worst part of it which I can never understand is that I wanted to go to the boys even though I knew what they wanted. Instead I panicked and started running at this point the boys began to chase me but luckily for me I ended up on the main road again and they left me alone. Needless to say when I got home I still got a whooping from my dad!!!

Later on when we moved to a different state my sexual abuse seem to resurface. I often asked myself if I had some sort of print on me that stated that I wanted to be molested. I was very confused growing up because as long as I can remember older men have always tried to fondle me in one way or the other. That was part of my life story growing up in Nigeria I could not seem to escape the stares and hands of a man groping me even my teachers in school. It got to a point that I resented my body which was really nothing because I was sticks and bones. I did not even have breast anything that can entice a grown man to fondle a little girl. At one point I was even molested by a female neighbor that one took me by surprise. I must have been about 9yrs old then. She was maybe 18 or 19yrs old at the time. The first time I was taking a shower and somehow she ended up in the bathroom with me. By 9yrs old I knew all this was wrong but for me it was too late. I had urges and felt the need to satisfy my urges. I let this girl do whatever she wanted to me. I always felt bad, dirty and knew it was wrong but I felt powerless to stop it. I felt like it was part of who I am. I did not know any better and nobody showed me any different. I suffered severe psychological trauma because of my abuse and for years I always felt like it was my fault. I even became confused about my sexuality wondering if I was gay and if God had created me that way.  I hated men and had a very unhealthy distrust for anyone! To this day I still struggle with many issues and sometimes I wonder why I had to go through all these things. Surely with prayer and learning to appreciate what God has brought me from. I am finding strength in telling my story and looking ahead to bringing a voice to such a delicate issue.

If you have a story of abuse to tell please email me @ mystory4healing@yahoo.com. Also if you have comments post on the blog it can help someone out there!! I will not use your name it will be nameless unless indicated. I feel like when you reach out to other you never know how your story can help someone else start on their path of recovery and regaining their self worth.

MY DEEPEST DARKEST SECRETS!!!! PART 1!!!

Dear world, I am writing to you this post to set my demons free, to capture back myself worth and to walk into the calling God has given me. As I begin to type my heart is beating so fast because I am about to reveal to the world something that only a select few in my family knows. I do not know where this journey is going to take me but one thing I do know is that God has called me to help others through my life. I feel like I am beating around the bush so let me just get to it!

I must have been about 6 or 7 years when my sexual abuse began in Nigeria. I still have vivid memories even though I do not remember exact faces but I can still see the action that were taken against me. My earliest memories were of a neighbor who must have been in his 20s. I remember him taking me into his house; this usually happened when I was home alone, he would lie on the floor with his pants down and he would take my underwear off and force me to sit on top of him. (Here I do not need to be graphic use your imagination)I remember fighting him to run before he could even take my clothes off but he was bigger and of course way stronger than me that I would give up. I learn to take myself to a faraway place that only my body was in the building but my mind, spirit and soul were lost somewhere in outer space. I remember this went on for a long time until we moved from the neighborhood but the damage was already done. It became a routine and as a child I did not understand what was going on. No one ever told me about men, sex or sexual feelings but I was experiencing all this before I even hit puberty. As I type this story I am realizing how my sexual abuse has affected and hindered my life for so long into my adulthood.  I have to stop here because I am overwhelmed with emotions right now. Will continue with part 2 soon!

This is only the beginning of my story more to come. If you have a story of abuse to tell please email me @ mystory4healing@yahoo.com. Also if you have comments post on the blog it can help someone out there!! I will not use your name it will be nameless unless indicated. I feel like when you reach out to other you never know how your story can help someone else start on their path of recovery and regaining their self worth.

CHECK BACK SOON!!

 Do not forget to email me @ mystory4healing@yahoo.com

MY STORY!!

I started blogging because I wanted to share with the world my story in hopes of helping others who have been through similar situations that I have experienced.  Initially I was scared to open up because I was afraid of how I might be perceived, but last night as I was sitting on my balcony the still voice inside me told me it was time to open up and share my core story. The story that has defined my destiny until this point but I will set it free because I no longer what this story to hold me captive any longer! It is time for me to face my fears head on and stop hiding and dodging them. I know that the things that have happened to me in the past set a course that I am suppose to follow but somewhere along the line I was wallowing in self pity. I no longer care to feel sorry for myself but I need to find strength within me so that I can reach out and help other that maybe suffering like I did. I want to be the voice for the cause that chose me because I definitely did not choose it!!! By now you might be wondering what I am talking about so check the next post for my story!

I am getting off this ride!!!

Two weeks ago I started my “Dance Myself to a Better Body” I have to say that everything was going well until I became sick for a whole week!! Not only was I physically sick but my emotions were going through turmoil! The last time I was that sick was when I had malaria I had just came back from Nigeria after my grandfather’s burial! RIP. Ironically I think I drop some inches due to the fact that I was unable to eat much. I am feeling much better now so I will resume my challenge. I think am going to get bored with it soon but I will try and hang in there as long as I can. I am already thinking of what my next challenge will be….. Maybe I will find a tennis partner that would be fun. I can feel spring in the air!!

     

This past two weeks has been a really rough emotional roller coaster for me. I cried a lot and it was not PMS. I feel spent emotionally and I have come to the point where I can no longer put my feeling and emotions out for people to trample on it. I place too much value in the friendships I have and I try to take people at face value. Sometimes I make the mistake of thinking that others invest in me emotionally as I invest my emotions in them. It only leaves me empty when my feelings and emotions are disregarded.  I have come to terms with the fact that relationships cannot be EQUAL one party will always have more invested then the other person. Be it financially, emotionally and even physically. I might not do things exactly the way that others in my circle would like me to do but at least I know that they can accept me for who I am. Do not try and negate my feelings and dictate for me how I should feel and respond to situations. The test of friendship is to understand the true characteristics of your friends and accept them for who they are!!

If you do not like what you see in the mirror change it!!

      MY GOAL/MOTIVATION..WATCH ME ACHIEVE!!

Everyone has what motivates them to make changes! I want to change my overall health I want to be able to go into stores and find cloths that fit my body! I am tired of wearing big sizes! Some people might not have a problem with their size but I have a problem with my size so I am going to make drastic changes. This world is full of women with body image issues including me but I choose to do adjust my body and self image. If you are happy with the way your body is I applauded you. Let me begin my journey, if you like you can join me!

     

     Today I am starting my “Dance Myself to a Better Body!! I have always loved dancing it sends me into a trance. Dancing can express whatever emotion that you want to expose it just matches my love for music. I will be dancing one hour each day for one month. I will update everyday on my progress. I am also changing my eating habits. I will be including salads and eating small portions each day. I cannot do the whole raw food diet but I will try to incorporate as much raw foods as possible.  If you do not like what you see in the mirror change it!!