You awakened the light in me!

Early years in West Palm! Oh my how I have changed!!

      We never realize when we do or say something that leaves a lasting impression on someone else. I remember my first year in West Palm Beach Florida. I had just moved into my first apartment (Panther Park in Lake Worth, Fl. I had just met my new neighbors/ roommates (because we all ended up moving in together) who would later become my partners on crime. Anyway, so students were moving in that weekend because school was starting on Monday.

     My new friends and I were sitting outside watching everyone arriving with families and old friends reconnecting and so on. I will never forget this one particular girl pulled up. She was moving in across the street apparently everyone knew her so they went to say hello, I tagged alone just to see who this girl was that everyone was getting so excited about. I would never forget when she saw me she said wow you’re so beautiful! (By the way I was rocking a brush and go natural hair cut at that time)I said thanks and coward behind my roommate because up until that point no one had ever told me I was beautiful besides my family.

My family told me a thousand times but you know with family it always feels different. Your family is obligated to boost you up. Even if there was something wrong with me, my family would find a way to make it seem not so bad. Like when I felt I had really bad teeth my mom use to say that it was how God made me!! I bugged her so much especially how I use to get teased mercilessly in school about my teeth that I never smiled. Finally my mother allowed me to get braces. Yea!!! (Smiles).

     

Anyways, back from my sidetrack, that comment, that moment forever changed my life. It’s like the lights came on around me and I could see myself for the first time. I still struggled with my self-esteem for years after that but her comment allowed me to see myself for exactly how I looked.  So I guess the lesson is you never know how your words or action impact someone’s life!

This post is dedicated to Sophia Millwood a very strong beautiful woman that made the comment!!

Do you judge? Of course not!! well maybe!!

The little bit I express was just my middle school experience as time goes on other issues will be tied together. I stated last time that based on how I was treating by a certain race of people it affected my interactions with them. Well it’s true I had to learn to take people as they come and not judge them by their skin tone. I believe that everybody has preconceived notion of people but they just do not voice it out.

Until maybe you establish a relationship with that person then you say “you know, so and so (insert person name) I use to think that you were a certain way until I got to know you” the worst is when people say oh I do not judge!! Whatever!! Everybody judges!! If not then what is first impression?? The difference is do you hold you judgment against that person or do you give people chances to prove that they are worthy of your time?

 As for me, early in life I didn’t give people too many chance, you would be lucky if I gave you a second chance especially men! It had nothing to do with who that person was but the fact that I did not want to expose my heart to people. I always felt like when people looked at me the saw this ugly, insecure tall girl with bad teeth. So to keep myself from getting hurt I had surface relationships nothing deep!  I always hesitated to call someone my friend or best friend or whatever name you call people that are close to you. It was not until my ending sophomore year and junior in college that I started forming some friendship with people. Still some of those friendships were still shallow because I didn’t open up to them as much as they opened up to me. I was still afraid.

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All about SELF ESTEEM!!!!!

How do you know when your self esteem is low?!! Question to ponder!!  I have always struggled with myself esteem since I came to America. When I was in Nigeria I did not know anything about low self esteem. All I knew in Nigeria was to go to school come home and have play dates with my friend and go to birthday parties. One thing I can say about my school experience in Nigerian school is that I was never verbally abused by my peers. When I came to America, I was placed in an inner city middle school. I was 11 years old in the 7^th grade so naturally I was very much younger than my peers and not to brag but I was smarter. The kids at this school were very vicious and mean spirited. I was called all kinds of names in the book.  My famous name was African booty scratcher (sounds lovely doesn’t it?). I was called blackie, go back to Africa you are ugly, African girl, damn your black, you talk funny, they use to come in to my face and yell damn you so ugly!! and run and the whole hallway would just burst out laughing.Oh and they constantly asked if I saw Trazan and Jane in Africa? did I swing on trees and play with monkeys!!argh imagine the ignorance of those kids!!! Now imagine an innocent child from another country coming to America to experience such hatred and bullying from kids that have the same skin color as me.they didnt want me to sit next to them at lunch and ate my lunch in oblivion most days!! at that age we were not allowed to eat outside so i had to find a corner and sit and try to eat my lunch in peace while the kids stared at me and made constant fun of me!!!it got to a point that I dreaded lunch time!!!I was never a self conscious child until i came to America. As i am writing  this i am fighting back tears of pain as i remember the torture i experienced at school.( moment of silence while i get myself back together)!!SIGH!! my schooling experiences in America damaged my self esteem for years, and it has affected my adult relationships. I am still dealing with many issues today!! I hated African American because I felt the one group of people that should have accepted me ridiculed me in such a way that I could not stand to be close to them. I remember how I use to go home crying to my mother that I didn’t want to go back to school and I wanted to go back to Nigeria. If not for the strength of my mother pushing me and constantly telling me that I was not ugly that God has blessed me to be great who knows where I would be today. This is just a piece of a very intensive experience in America. I guess this is a journey of how my self esteem came to be so low, and how I have struggled to get myself back. I have struggled and struggled with myself worth over the years. I have done things that I should not have done, dated men that abused me. I thank God that I never encountered physical abuse but any other abuse that you can think of I have been through it.  I will stop here for now to be continued.

Little about me!

I guess I can start by giving a brief history of who I am! Everything else about me you will learn has time goes on. I started this blog as a way I want to communicate my opinion on various subject matters, share my experiences whether good or bad and through my life experiences I can help others. I believe in speaking my peace, I do not like to sugar coat anything (I speak with love). I count it a blessing that I was raised in a family there was no sugar coating. If there was something that I needed to hear it was told to me direct and blunt but with lots of love because my family wants the best for me.(thanks Cuz!)lol OK so back to telling you about myself. I believe I was called to help people, to motivate and inspire anyone that my path crossed. My dream career would be to have an international organization set up to help children and young adult across the globe. As a child, I always felt the pain of other children. I remember watching those infomercials about hungry kids in Ukraine and other countries would cry to my mother that I wanted to go and help those children.I thank God that my mother never discouraged me instead she encouraged me to contiune to have an open heart that God will answer my prayers!! even though she still wants me to be a doctor somebody!!lol I do not know how I am going to do it but I felt like it has to be done. so I will continue to place myself on the right path and I will reach my destiny by the grace of God. I remember telling my mother when I was about 11 that I wanted to be like mother Theresa who is still my hero someone I strive to be like one day. She was selfless and dedicated her life to helping others. Growing up in Nigeria I did not know that kids around the world suffered that much. I did not understand what it meant to be an orphan, not having 3 square meals or a bed to sleep in. only when I came to America and watching TV that I was expose to pain and suffering of children. It still breaks my heart to this day when I think about how children around the world are suffering. I have not found the path to my destiny yet but I am still on this journey and I will surely be there one day.

2011 here I come to take over!!

This year I have to accomplish something great. I have to silence the person that told me that I would never amount to nothing!! (Yes there is that one person that actually said that about me) I have to silence the fears, the small nagging, the self doubt, and everything else that comes in play when you know there is something great that you are suppose to be doing!!

I know I have not been living up to my fullest potential! I always feel like something is missing. I call myself trying to find myself. I have been trying to find myself for many years now, so I wonder when I will actually find myself because I am tired of looking. Please myself if you are out there find me oo..Cause I am tired of looking for you.. I know that I am destined for greatness but I have allowed all kinds of distractions to come in my way! I have allowed fear of the unknown to cloud my judgment, I have allowed the fear of loneliness to hold me back from pursuing my dreams because I have allowed useless people to tell me my dreams are too big and I have allowed self doubt to coward me! So 2011 is the year that I will make great strides so let the journeys begin!!!!